I went back to work today after a week of vacation. I took the kids to the Beach. It was sunny and the water was great. The kids learned to surf in the waves and I stood on the beach and WORRIED myself into a fit of anger. What kind of vacation is that? It was an angry, unrestful one. There were times that I did relax and was able to enjoy myself but I felt that those times were few and far between.
I was afraid the night before the drive to the beach because it's a 4 hour trip on the highways. Of course once I got on the road, I was fine but I didn't sleep well the night before and was very tired by the time I arrived.
I was afraid to let the boys go into the water. They don't swim very well and the youngest doesn't listen well. There was some reality to my fears but they were surfing the waves in front of the life guard and the waves were mild.
I was afraid that they wouldn't get along with their cousins whom they rarely see. To some extent my fears were reality based. The youngest has trouble relating to the older kids so he acts out. As my sister said "He is a challenge".
I think it's getting older and having the responsibility for childern that grows my fears. My sister in-law has trouble going out into the waves now that she is older because she is afraid. I know that feeling. I am afraid as well. My sister was angry at me because I was so terrified about the kids. She forgets that when her kids were that age she was terrified as well.
When you have children you never rest because the fear is always there. I think that mothers feel this fear more than fathers. Sometimes it is hard to function, to even breathe through the fear for them.
I am not even an over protective mother. I go the other way because I know that my fears are irrational. I know that when I was a teenager I had enormous freedom. My parents' philosophy was "benign neglect". What they didn't know wouldn't hurt us. We grew up in the sixties and early seventies. It was a wild time. Sometimes I look at my oldest son and think that nothing he could possibly do would compare to the dangerous things we did at that age. He seems so innocent.
I might be blinded to the dangers that are out there but I don't think so. That's why I worry so much. Well, that and the unreasoning love that I have for my children. I don't know what I would do if... That is the whole point. I should embrace the fear so that it keeps me alert to the dangers that are real. But I also need to reject the fear and not let it rule my life. SO I don't think I'll be finding that peace of mind any time soon. Maybe I'll try accupunture!
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