My 11 year old son was born as obstinate as they come. He could give a mule a run for it's money. Everytime he has to do anything from getting out of bed to clearing off his dish from the table, it becomes a contest of wills. We just had a knock down drag out fight about his "WEEKLY" english essay. He wrote the essay with no problem. I read it and it was just one long run on sentence with bad grammer and even worse english. (I don't know what they teach kids in school today!) I told him that there were changes that needed to be made to it and it led to an hour long, "I don't care about this" and "You can't make me do this" and " I hate this!"
I was told to correct his homework by the teachers, whose exact words to us parents were "I don't know how you parents let some of these kids bring in homework that is not done correctly!" Oh and by the way this is 15% of your child's grade. SO as a concerned parent I have to look at his homework, first to make sure he does it and second to make sure it is marginally acceptable at least.
I want to know what am I supposed to do about this. My 14 year old moves at the pace of molasses but at least he does what he's supposed to do by way of school work. The 11 year old, God only knows what goes on in his mind. If you told him something was black, he would insist despite all evidence to the contrary that it was white and fight you tooth and nail physically to prove his point. My point is that I am tired of this. I already went to school. I don't need to do 7th grade all over again. He just won't take responsibility for himself and as a responsible parent I can't let him fail. If failure had only minor consequences, ie he'd get a bad grade and learn from his mistakes okay. BUT he is so stubborn that it may lead to a lifetime of failure just because he doesn't want to conform in any way shape or form. I hope that I am overreacting because it is so depressing.
Saturday, September 30, 2006
Sunday, August 06, 2006
submitting for a stronger marriage
I'm blogging here and NOONE is listening. Part of me says whew! no one is hearing me at all and I can pretty much say what I want. The other part of me says I'm up here on the web and what? I'm not interesting enough to listen to?
So let me put up something that is intensely private. I've been reading those blogs about discipline and like many of the women who responded to a recent poll on LDD blog I think about it too. What would it be like to be part of a relationship where one person has the final say. It would be different than being a child. The dominant partner listens, that's key, to what the other has to say and then makes the decision. Not about what to make for dinner but for bigger things. The submissive partner has to live by the rules of the other partner. No ifs no ands no buts (pun intended). If not there are consequences up to and including coporal punishment.
Is this a viable option for a marriage today? I don't know but there has to be a better way. I am frazzled with making the decisions and doing the housework and raising the kids and working full time. I feel like there has to be YOUR jobs and MY jobs because the bullshit of doing everything all of the time is too much. My husband is one of the good guys but when he has no input in what's happening he opts out.
For example, until recently I decided on the family's weekly budget with my husband telling me how much he needed for the week. I did all of the food, present and clothes shopping. At the end of the month we always had the same conversation. He "Why did you take out so much money this month". Me "Because I have to buy the food, give the kids money, pay for whatever else we needed this week. YOU DO IT and see how much money it costs to run a family these days." He was only responsible for himself and didn't see all of the other things going on.
So we made a change. He decides the weekly budget and gives me money for the week to go to work. He's responsible for all of the purchases including food. I had a really hard time agreeing to this because I saw it as a demotion. But since I've let go I been more peaceful. I was really stressing over this issue and didn't even realize it. I went away for the week with the kids and needed more money at the end of the week due to unexpected expenses. I was very stressed about having to get that money out of the Bank. Another plus for us is that the end of the month is not the beginning of a week long fight and sulk session about money. He controls it, the end.
It also makes me wonder if I let him take the lead more often would we have a better marriage? We have a great one now but could it be better if I wasn't so strong willed. Would he step up and became stronger?
So let me put up something that is intensely private. I've been reading those blogs about discipline and like many of the women who responded to a recent poll on LDD blog I think about it too. What would it be like to be part of a relationship where one person has the final say. It would be different than being a child. The dominant partner listens, that's key, to what the other has to say and then makes the decision. Not about what to make for dinner but for bigger things. The submissive partner has to live by the rules of the other partner. No ifs no ands no buts (pun intended). If not there are consequences up to and including coporal punishment.
Is this a viable option for a marriage today? I don't know but there has to be a better way. I am frazzled with making the decisions and doing the housework and raising the kids and working full time. I feel like there has to be YOUR jobs and MY jobs because the bullshit of doing everything all of the time is too much. My husband is one of the good guys but when he has no input in what's happening he opts out.
For example, until recently I decided on the family's weekly budget with my husband telling me how much he needed for the week. I did all of the food, present and clothes shopping. At the end of the month we always had the same conversation. He "Why did you take out so much money this month". Me "Because I have to buy the food, give the kids money, pay for whatever else we needed this week. YOU DO IT and see how much money it costs to run a family these days." He was only responsible for himself and didn't see all of the other things going on.
So we made a change. He decides the weekly budget and gives me money for the week to go to work. He's responsible for all of the purchases including food. I had a really hard time agreeing to this because I saw it as a demotion. But since I've let go I been more peaceful. I was really stressing over this issue and didn't even realize it. I went away for the week with the kids and needed more money at the end of the week due to unexpected expenses. I was very stressed about having to get that money out of the Bank. Another plus for us is that the end of the month is not the beginning of a week long fight and sulk session about money. He controls it, the end.
It also makes me wonder if I let him take the lead more often would we have a better marriage? We have a great one now but could it be better if I wasn't so strong willed. Would he step up and became stronger?
Monday, July 31, 2006
What am I looking for? Peace of mind
I went back to work today after a week of vacation. I took the kids to the Beach. It was sunny and the water was great. The kids learned to surf in the waves and I stood on the beach and WORRIED myself into a fit of anger. What kind of vacation is that? It was an angry, unrestful one. There were times that I did relax and was able to enjoy myself but I felt that those times were few and far between.
I was afraid the night before the drive to the beach because it's a 4 hour trip on the highways. Of course once I got on the road, I was fine but I didn't sleep well the night before and was very tired by the time I arrived.
I was afraid to let the boys go into the water. They don't swim very well and the youngest doesn't listen well. There was some reality to my fears but they were surfing the waves in front of the life guard and the waves were mild.
I was afraid that they wouldn't get along with their cousins whom they rarely see. To some extent my fears were reality based. The youngest has trouble relating to the older kids so he acts out. As my sister said "He is a challenge".
I think it's getting older and having the responsibility for childern that grows my fears. My sister in-law has trouble going out into the waves now that she is older because she is afraid. I know that feeling. I am afraid as well. My sister was angry at me because I was so terrified about the kids. She forgets that when her kids were that age she was terrified as well.
When you have children you never rest because the fear is always there. I think that mothers feel this fear more than fathers. Sometimes it is hard to function, to even breathe through the fear for them.
I am not even an over protective mother. I go the other way because I know that my fears are irrational. I know that when I was a teenager I had enormous freedom. My parents' philosophy was "benign neglect". What they didn't know wouldn't hurt us. We grew up in the sixties and early seventies. It was a wild time. Sometimes I look at my oldest son and think that nothing he could possibly do would compare to the dangerous things we did at that age. He seems so innocent.
I might be blinded to the dangers that are out there but I don't think so. That's why I worry so much. Well, that and the unreasoning love that I have for my children. I don't know what I would do if... That is the whole point. I should embrace the fear so that it keeps me alert to the dangers that are real. But I also need to reject the fear and not let it rule my life. SO I don't think I'll be finding that peace of mind any time soon. Maybe I'll try accupunture!
I was afraid the night before the drive to the beach because it's a 4 hour trip on the highways. Of course once I got on the road, I was fine but I didn't sleep well the night before and was very tired by the time I arrived.
I was afraid to let the boys go into the water. They don't swim very well and the youngest doesn't listen well. There was some reality to my fears but they were surfing the waves in front of the life guard and the waves were mild.
I was afraid that they wouldn't get along with their cousins whom they rarely see. To some extent my fears were reality based. The youngest has trouble relating to the older kids so he acts out. As my sister said "He is a challenge".
I think it's getting older and having the responsibility for childern that grows my fears. My sister in-law has trouble going out into the waves now that she is older because she is afraid. I know that feeling. I am afraid as well. My sister was angry at me because I was so terrified about the kids. She forgets that when her kids were that age she was terrified as well.
When you have children you never rest because the fear is always there. I think that mothers feel this fear more than fathers. Sometimes it is hard to function, to even breathe through the fear for them.
I am not even an over protective mother. I go the other way because I know that my fears are irrational. I know that when I was a teenager I had enormous freedom. My parents' philosophy was "benign neglect". What they didn't know wouldn't hurt us. We grew up in the sixties and early seventies. It was a wild time. Sometimes I look at my oldest son and think that nothing he could possibly do would compare to the dangerous things we did at that age. He seems so innocent.
I might be blinded to the dangers that are out there but I don't think so. That's why I worry so much. Well, that and the unreasoning love that I have for my children. I don't know what I would do if... That is the whole point. I should embrace the fear so that it keeps me alert to the dangers that are real. But I also need to reject the fear and not let it rule my life. SO I don't think I'll be finding that peace of mind any time soon. Maybe I'll try accupunture!
Sunday, July 30, 2006
first post
I am looking for something that I think lurks inside of me that may not be so socially acceptable. I am looking for that pleasing self, the one that needs to be led and taken. The one who does not want to lead. Can I find her? My situation is all wrong for that kind of life. I can't even name it yet.
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)